Relationship goals: They’re not even looking at each other.
By Jason Offutt
For guys, relationships are, in a word, dumb.
No. Wait. Hard. I meant to say hard, or difficult. I should say difficult. Stop being 12.
I understand how relationships form; hormones turn young human beings into horny, raging pimple monsters. Although this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and can be a lot of fun, those same hormones transform a young person’s thoughts into a type of brain casserole that’s not only underbaked, it’s been dropped on the floor.
In the beginning, human-to-human relationships were important because of cave bears. There are always cave bears. However, once the looming threat of cave bears was removed, what reason for relationships was left?
To answer that, here are Jason Offutt’s Top Eight Reasons for a Guy to be in a Relationship.
- Boobs. A 2019 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine shows staring at boobs lowers a man’s blood pressure. It’s for our health, folks.
- Love. Sure, the dopamine hit a person gets from being close to someone they adore is better than a shot of bourbon, but that feeling quickly fades the moment she asks you to go apple picking on game day.
- Food. Is it fun to share food? It depends. A normal man can have a delicious meal over the sink while watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. But, sharing a meal means we also have to talk. Trust me ladies, if you’ve spent any time with a guy, you know we don’t really have that much going on up there.
- Musicals. Every man loves a musical. You know, The Blues Brothers, The, um, Blues Brothers, and, um, that’s about it. I never knew my favorite movie was a musical until my wife tried to ruin it for me by pointing that out.
- Hearing new stories. After about two years into a relationship, there are NO new stories. The trouble is, your partner doesn’t remember they haven’t told the same story enough you can now tell it better than they can. No. 5 isn’t about my wife. It’s about me. Sorry, honey. I’ve probably said that before.
- Finances. You can’t spend money, ever. “I was hungry,” “The car needed gas,” and “But Big Jim was going to break my kneecaps,” are never a good enough excuse for your partner. However, now that weed is legal, No. 6 has gotten a whole lot smoother.
- Weekends during football season. Did I mention apple picking? There’s also “thrifting,” “garage saling,” “church,” and other mind-bogglingly dull activities that get in the way of kickoff. If Jesus really loved me, church would be on a Tuesday at 7 p.m. at a bar.
8. Damn. I can’t even think of eight.
See, I told you relationships were dumb.