It took the third lockdown Zoom meeting with my wife’s family for me to understand how awkward relatives are when we’re not eating. I knew we were awkward, I just didn’t know why.

Food, I’m now certain, is what makes the family dynamic hum. Look at the times families gather. At Easter, there’s food. Memorial Day, food. Thanksgiving, food. Weddings, birthdays, funerals, graduations, reunions, food, food, food. We learn how to communicate with each other between bites. Or, in the case of my family, during.

Of course, with my family the main food was actually booze, but the adults always made sure there was enough ham and Jell-O salad to keep the kids out of everyone’s business. And by “business” I mean standing near the beer cooler.

Now when families gather in Spring 2020 to discuss work most of us no longer go to, sports our children no longer play and school that was one of the first things closed due to the pandemic, it’s over the internet. Each part of the family sits in their own house staring silently at their computer, or iPad, or smartphone wondering who’s going to talk first.

Fun fact: No one does.

This is what COVID-19 has done to America, it has revealed our country’s core weakness—we can’t talk to one another unless there’s cheese dip.

So, if you’re one of the 95 percent of Americans trapped at home hanging out with your loved ones on Zoom, Skype, FaceTime or some other video conferencing software, spice things up. Try Jason Offutt’s Sure-Fire Methods of Ruining a Virtual Family Gathering:

Hopefully we can try all these out during our weekly family cyber gathering. Good times.

• Before the meeting, fix a sandwich, or better yet, support a local business and order pizza to be delivered during the online shindig. Your chat with the pizza guy will give everyone watching the social interaction they crave. Pro-level: Invite the pizza guy to stay for dinner, then make him sit outside while calling him your brother-in-law’s name.
• Join the conversation late, make sure everyone sees you, then walk away. Pro-level: Place your laptop in the doorway to the bathroom and take a shower.
• Thoroughly go over the news of the day and keep everyone up to date on British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s COVID-19 condition by interrupting whenever someone speaks. Pro-level: If your spouse’s family is well educated, keep referring to Boris Johnson as Boris Yeltsin.
• Have a friend ring your phone during the meet-up. Take the call and talk like there’s bad reception. Pro-level:Discuss an upcoming drug deal or mob hit.
• Don’t wear pants and stand up a lot. Pro-level: Also, don’t wear underwear.
• Take the contrary position to everything anyone says, especially if it involves politics or child-rearing. Pro-level: Ask someone how they’re doing and when they say, “fine,” tell them, “You can’t be. You look awful.”
• Download sound effects such as someone breaking down a door, gunshots and police sirens and when you play them, start screaming. Pro-level: Actually set your house on fire.

Jason’s upcoming novel, “So You Had to Build a Time Machine,” is available for preorder at jasonoffutt.com.