The Legendary John Mellon

John Mellon liked the caboose on this one. The new nurse bent in front of the plastic and aluminum bed that sat near the north window of his bedroom, the modern hospital piece out of place with the carved mahogany woodwork of the family home. The Mellon House, a three-story Victorian built by lumberman John Mellon II in 1893, seemed to have grown amongst the thick elm, dogwood, and hickory trees that separated the estate from the nearby town. Trees. In this world of steel girders, space stations and iPhones, people still needed wood. John smiled. Not because his great-grandfather conquered this patch of forest, creating a lumber empire that was slowly dying with him, but because Debbie, or Deidra, or whatever the hell her name was, had dropped a bottle of butt ointment, and her rump was about three feet from his gray-stubbled face. 

The grin faded. John knew she didn’t bend over right there to give him a peek. She’d never do that. He was just another piece of furniture, one she gave a sponge bath every couple of days. He wasn’t a man any more. She might as well dust me.

Deidra, no, no, Dawn. Her name was Dawn Harris. Dawn stood slowly. For her tight, lithe body every movement was smooth, effortless. That’s because she’s not 75, you old fart, John thought, turning his eyes to the ceiling. For some reason he didn’t want this one to see him staring at her like he still remembered what a woman looked like.

Dawn sat the tube of ointment on John’s bedside table, and picked up his lunch tray, the ham and cheese sandwich half-eaten, the applesauce untouched. “Are you sure you’re finished with this?” she asked. 

John waved her off with a skeletal hand; liver spots decorated the saggy skin in sad brown splotches. “I’m through.” His voice came out in a croak. Damn you for being old, Johnny boy. You sound like a frog. He motioned her closer. “Help me up. I’m going for a walk.”

Dawn stood tall, fists on her hips. “Now Mr. Mellon,” she said like he was a boy, a little boy, “the last time you went for a walk you were gone a whole hour, and scared the staff half to death.”

A flush grew over John’s face, and his jaw tensed.

“Listen,” he started, then stopped. This is my house, and this is my life you blond trollop had worked its way toward his shaking lips, but he stopped the words. John thought of the other one, the Nurse Lady from Alcatraz. Caroline, was it? She had a body of a dancer, but the temperament of a war criminal. Some people could make your life hell, even if you did pay their salary. He didn’t want to get on this one’s bad side.

He took a deep breath. In twenty minutes this would be all over, at least as long as he could stand it. Twenty minutes. In twenty minutes John knew he could make his way through the thick trees to his place in the woods. The Circle. That ridiculous aluminum walker be damned. 

A yellow smile grew across his gaunt face. “I know,” John said. “I just lost track of time.” She’s prettier than the Nurse Lady from Alcatraz, he thought. Nicer, too. Maybe she’s the one. He held up his right wrist, a loose fitting watch slid down to almost mid forearm. “That’s not going to happen again. Now help me up.” He paused, his smile drifted into a grin. “Please.”

Dawn nodded with a look of what? Compassion? Sorrow? Understanding? Pity? That will change soon.

“Okay, Mr. Mellon,” she said, unconsciously biting her lower lip. “Just be back before my shift’s over. I have a date tonight. I don’t want to be late.” Dawn pulled back the crisp white sheets on the hospital bed, and lifted him upright. He swung his legs over the side, and she helped him stand. “Are you sure you’re going to be able to handle this?”

John nodded as he took hold of his walker. I’m not goddamned helpless. “I’m fine, Dawn,” he said. “Now scoot. I have a date, too. The trees are calling.”

***

The elevator Grandma Tully insisted be installed in the 1940s slid to a smooth halt on the ground floor, the doors of the metal cage swung open soundlessly. The Mellons had taken good care of this house, the first private residence in Ray County with running water. John groaned as he pushed off with the walker, the aluminum monstrosity that kept him upright. His muscles would loosen up about halfway to the Circle. They always felt better after a little work. But getting there was the hard part; getting back home was like dancing, and sometimes he did. 

Footsteps, Italian loafers against tile, padded toward John as he stood at the window, looking out onto the back garden. Donnelly. “What is it, Karl?” John hissed to the man behind him.

Karl Donnelly, a short, squat man with nervous eyes stopped short of John, a leather notebook unfolded in his hands. “Just a few signatures, sir,” he said, his voice belaying much more confidence than his eyes, which shifted back and forth like a cheap doll’s. “Purchase orders on equipment, and a thank you letter for Mrs. Peterson.”

Peterson? “Peterson? Thank you for what?”

Donnelly coughed slightly, and held the notebook open before John, a Montblanc rested atop the first form. Donnelly liked nice things. “Twenty years with the company.”

John grunted, and scribbled his name on three papers, the signature lines indicated with bright yellow Post-its. “She’s loyal,” he said, laying the pen back on the notebook, and turning away from the accountant. “Give her a bonus. A raise, or more vacation, or that damn pen of yours.” 

The leather book closed with a snap, and Donnelly nodded. “I’ll get her something.” He turned in a tight movement, and walked toward the door, passing Dawn in the doorway. “If you have anything in that medical bag for being a grumpy old fart, you should probably use it on him,” Donnelly said to her, too low for John to hear. But John heard it. He heard more than people knew.

***

An old stone fountain with cherubs spat cold, clear water as John shuffled down the worn cobble path to the tree line, a springtime breeze tossed his thin, white hair about his head like spider webs. 

“Five o’clock, Mr. Mellon,” Dawn called from the glass double doors that emptied onto the stone veranda, an addition to the house in the 1960s. “Promise me?”

John raised an arm into the air, fighting off an urge to flip her the bird. I’m not an infant. I can do what I damn please.He turned and watched her slip back into the house, his house, her sashaying caboose the last part that disappeared. He didn’t want to run off this one. They don’t make them like that much anymore. John pointed himself back toward the trees, and lifted the walker. He still had a ways to go.

The trees quickly swallowed him. Birds flapped in the canopy, and something small on four legs skittered in the underbrush. John smiled. An unseen world lay all around, and most people never knew it. They could all go to hell. 

The cobble path gave way to hard dirt at the tree line; John always liked that. Nature. Nature was the thing people had lost. They spent their time in their cars, their air-conditioned houses, the Internet, everywhere but in the place the human race was born. Pathetic. The slit tennis balls on the front legs of the walker made no sound as he shuffled down the path. He was soundless, nearly invisible. A ghost. John frowned. He was never a ghost. A young man with flowing blond hair, and lean, sleek muscles bulging from his arms, and his chest. Everyone knew John Mellon, everyone wanted to be John Mellon. The girls just wanted John Mellon. A smile cracked the corner of his mouth. Girls, yes, girls. Lots and lots of girls. But never a Mrs. Mellon. He was always too busy, too interested in the next conquest at the next dinner party in New York, or Miami, or that one damn place in Texas where his father had insisted on buying a house, or even the cheap little bar down in town Mother always hated him going to. Now it might be too late.

John rounded a bend in the path, an enormous gnarled oak stood like a sentry before the final stretch of his journey. A bead of sweat trickled down his forehead, but he didn’t notice. The Circle lay just outside the shade of the great oak, a wide moss-lined stone pocket in the forest floor, the only object to break the flat symmetry of the dimple was a log John had once dragged out there so he could relax, and feel the magic just a little bit longer.

The walker rattled as it fell over on the path, and John stepped inside the Circle. He was home.

***

Dawn stood at the glass doors, her arms folded under her breasts, as she waited for John to reappear. A tapping brought her around to see Donnelly walk into the room, a smartphone pressed against his ear. “Yes, I’ll hold,” he said, noticing Dawn. He nodded once, clicked the disengage button, and slipped the phone into his breast pocket. “I lied. I hate to be put on hold.” He stood next to Dawn and looked out the door. “John on another one of his walks?”

She nodded. “Has he always gone off by himself like this?”

Donnelly glanced at her, his head slightly cocked. “Yes. Are you worried about him?”

Dawn nodded. “Of course,” she said, then paused, and stared out at the trees. “He’s fragile.”

A short laugh sprang from Donnelly. “Well, don’t tell him that. You might bruise his ego. And don’t let that little, thin man fool you, his ego is enormous.”

“I know. My mother told me about him. She …” Dawn stopped, and looked at Donnelly, her pretty face taught. “She used to know John. I mean, Mr. Mellon.”

The telephone in Donnelly’s pocket rang, the ring tone Ride of the Valkyries. “See,” he said. “This was much nicer than being put on hold.” Donnelly pulled out his phone, and walked away. 

***

Dawn stood outside on the veranda when John moved toward the house from beneath the shelter of trees. The aluminum walker over his shoulder quickly dropped back to the ground, John leaned his shrinking weight on it as he walked onto the cobblestones toward the cherub fountain.

“You’re late, Mr. Mellon,” Dawn called across the lawn, her tone lightly scolding, like a babysitter’s. He grimaced. Babysitter my ass. He laughed, a laugh that would have been a cackle this morning, or worse, a wheeze. But his lungs were still clear, strong. That would wear off soon enough.

She waited while John slowly clinked up the stone walk. He could have made it in a few quick strides, maybe a short jog, but he couldn’t let her know that. Not yet. John tried to look like he struggled with the walk to the house, all the while wondering what Dawn looked like naked.

She gently wrapped her fingers over his bicep to help him into the house, the muscle still hard beneath his cotton shirt. A look of surprise wiped across her face. “We were all getting worried, Mr. Mellon,” Dawn said, the babysitter impatience gone from her voice. Replaced with, what? Concern? No, surprise. John nodded slowly to himself. She’d felt what was left of his fading muscle. 

Dawn moved him into the kitchen, and sat him onto a hard wooden chair. Her eyes stared into his clear blue ones, his irises normally washed pastel by age were steely cobalt, the sclera tinged in yellow were now white. Her face slowly pinched, not quite knowing what she saw. “You spend so much time out there,” Dawn said, moving her eyes off his, and down at his hands, the normally pronounced veins hidden. “A lot of things can happen.” She exhaled, the frown replaced by a smile. A fake smile. “Next time you go out, I want to go with you,” Dawn said. “I just need to make sure you’re all right. Besides.” She paused and glanced out the enormous windows that overlooked the forest. “I like a good walk in the woods.”

She gave John skim milk and sugar-free cookies before she took him upstairs, and helped him into his hospital bed. John knew he could get on the bed himself. He could probably pounce into it, but not in front of her. Not yet.

“Good night, Mr. Mellon,” she’d said, and disappeared around the corner of the dark, heavy bedroom door.

John waited until he heard a car door shut, and the quiet sound of Dawn’s Hyundai drive down the long lane toward the rural highway. The walls of the Mellon estate were thick. In December, with the windows shut tight, he wouldn’t have heard a shotgun blast outside the house. But with the windows open, he could hear everything, the night birds starting to take flight, the far-off yip of coyotes, and the trees. Above all, John heard the forest. He yawned laying back into the pillow as the forest sang to him. 

***

A gaunt, gray face that couldn’t be his stared at John from the bathroom mirror. The golden morning sun just rising over the forest trickled into his suite. John tapped the safety razor on the side of the washbasin, and pulled it across his soap-covered right cheek, thick white stubble disappeared under the stainless steel blade. “You’re not me,” John told his reflection, going through the razor-cleaning ritual again. “I’m still a young man. I have time. I have lots of time.” The blade mowed another swath across John’s cheek. He winced. A drop of blood fell into the washbasin, the red quickly washed pink before being replaced by another, and another. 

“Goddamn it.” John grabbed a crisply folded towel from the wrought iron table beside the basin, and dabbed the blood on his face. He didn’t mind a little blood; it was that damn Coumadin he took that was the problem. The blood thinner wouldn’t let him stop bleeding for a while, and he had to make an impression today. A good impression. If only–

“You’re up early.” The words stopped his thoughts cold. John turned as Dawn walked into his bedroom as smoothly as a ballerina. He envied that kind of movement. When he was younger, he danced. He danced with girls, girls who looked a lot like Dawn. Girls he should have spent more time with.

“Yes,” he said, wiping the soap from his face, blood seeped from the nick. 

“Oh, you’re bleeding.” She sat a cloth bag that held the morning’s pills, and inoculations onto the bed, and rushed into the bathroom, pulling a cloth bandage from the front pocket of her scrubs. She brushed John’s protesting hand aside, and stuck the bandage over the small wound. “There,” she said, standing a bit too close as she smoothed it over John’s leathery skin. A waft of baby powder drifted across his nostrils. Probably her deodorant, he thought, and closed his eyes, savoring the smell.

“You know you’re not supposed to shave with this thing, Mr. Mellon. It…”

“John,” he interrupted.

Dawn took a step away. “I can’t call you John,” she said. “That’s something your executor insisted on when he hired me. ‘You’re to call him, Mr. Mellon’.”

John knew that. Donnelly expected him to die any day now. He treated the staff like John was a goldfish. Don’t get too attached, we might have to flush it soon.

“Sure,” John said, wincing as he turned. The walk yesterday left him stiff. “Please commence with your medical voodoo. I’m taking my walk after breakfast.” 

***

“I’ve seen this before.” Dawn stood at the dresser near John’s bed, putting her equipment back into the bag. She picked up a picture in a brass frame, and studied it. A man of about 30 leaned against a scarlet 1971 Bugatti Type 105, a plain white T-shirt stretched across his muscular chest, a mane of blond hair draped over his shoulders. That shot had appeared in the local newspaper at the time, ‘Young Mellon Tours Europe.’ “Is this you?”

“Yes,” John said, finishing his orange juice. “Vacationing in Italy. I was quite the looker back then. I had hair.” 

She placed the frame back on the dresser top. “Yes,” she said, her voice played with a laugh. “Lots of it.” Dawn turned toward John, the bag gripped tightly in her hand. Any expression of humor that had toyed with her voice was gone, emotion wiped from her face. “I’m going to ask you a question, Mr. Mellon.”

John sat on the hospital bed buttoning a white cotton shirt, his thick, gnarled fingers crisscrossed with blue veins worked slowly. “And what is that?”

She sat next to him on the bed, so close he could feel the warmth from her body. “What do you do on your walks?” she asked. 

He shrugged. “You just answered your own question. I walk.”

Dawn reached out slowly. Her hand slid over John’s right bicep, fingers wrapping around his stick-like arm. John’s eyes shot toward hers, and met Dawn’s gaze; her eyes burned like ice. “I’ve watched you come home from your walk every day,” she said, her voice low, and tight. “You’re happy, almost giddy. There’s a spring in your step. That’s not the man you usually pretend to be. And yesterday.” She paused, and slowly sucked in a breath. “Yesterday I grabbed this arm, and it was hard, Mr. Mellon. I felt muscle that I couldn’t fit my fingers around.” She gently squeezed. “I can now.”

The Nurse Lady from Alcatraz never noticed anything different about me when I came home, he thought. The crazy nurse with the cat before her didn’t either. Nobody cared what I did at first – except this one. 

“Something happens to you out in the woods,” she said, her voice soft. “What is it?”

John smiled. “How was the date?” he asked, trying to change the subject.

Dawn stood and helped John with the last two buttons. “Not as good as I’d hoped. For some reason I was an hour late to the restaurant. He didn’t wait for me.” She grinned at him. “I met him on a dating website. I’m not too bummed.”

“A dating website?” John sat still and let her hands fasten the buttons of his shirt. “A beautiful girl like you resorting to the Internet for dating? Men today aren’t what they used to be.”

“You got that right,” she said, and patted John’s hand. “We’re going on a walk. Let’s get those shoes on.”

***

John knew Dawn was 50 years younger than him, and that meant he was nothing to her but a doddering old man she kept alive with blood pressure checks, pills, and the occasional smile. He was great-grandpa age, a relic from a bygone era, a person she sometimes had to help off the toilet.

“How far do you go, Mr. Mellon?” Dawn asked. They walked past the cherub fountain, its trickling water soothing in the early morning. A slight fog still hugged the ground, and weaved through the trees. She held onto his arm like he might run away, or fall over, as he slowly lifted and dropped the aluminum cage that helped him walk.

“Oh, about a half-mile,” he said. John swallowed, trying to kill the tickle that grew in his throat. All he needed now was a coughing fit. 

“That’s quite a ways for you,” she said as they stepped under the canopy of elms, and maples. A rabbit, spooked by their passing shot across the hard dirt path. Dawn jumped at the sudden movement. John smiled.

“No, not really,” he said, breathing in the cool morning air as deeply as he dared. “There’s something about the trees that has always given me energy. The forest is alive, you know. It breathes, it sees. It knows we’re here.”

A slight sound escaped from Dawn. Was that a chuckle?

“I’ve always felt at home out here,” he continued. Something moved in the woods off to the right of the trail; a fox, John knew. He couldn’t see it, he couldn’t smell it, but he could feel the fox. “It’s the forest that gave my family all it has, but you knew that. My great-grandfather got rich off cutting trees down, and selling them.” The fox veered away from the path, and shot deeper into the woods after a chipmunk. John wasn’t sure how, but he knew that too. “Grandfather always planted more trees than he cut down. It would be wrong not to.”

The giant bent oak stood in the distance, standing guard over the Circle, John’s Circle.

“But that’s about to come to an end,” John said, a trickle of sweat slowly made its way down his bent back. The trips into the trees were getting harder. John knew he wouldn’t be able to take his walks much longer, but he also knew he had options. “I don’t have any one to leave the company to.” He paused to laugh. This time pain wracked his chest as he bent over the walker; his coughs came in wet, rattily bursts. The palm of Dawn’s hand pressed onto his back as the coughs subsided.

“We should probably go back now, Mr. Mellon,” she started, but he raised a shaky hand to stop her.

“No,” he wheezed, pointing the same hand down the path. “It’s just a little further. Just up around that big oak tree.”

A frown crossed her face. “Okay, but if you cough like that again I’ll have to take you home.” Was that concern in her eyes? Or something else? Something John couldn’t quite make out. “You really shouldn’t come out here alone anymore,” she said. “I don’t think it’s safe for you.”

Go to hell, danced on his tongue, but he stilled the words. He hadn’t wanted this one to come out here, not this far. But now, for some reason, he knew she must. John nodded, and started moving the walker slowly down the trail.

“I wonder about you, Mr. Mellon,” she said, breaking the silence. She paused, and flipped the bangs from her face. “John.” Dawn’s hand gently rested on his arm as they walked. “Sometimes I can see that guy in you. The one standing next to the Bugatti.” Her words came out easily. “What were you like back then?”

The boughs of the great oak groaned from under the force of wind, but the morning air was still. Dawn didn’t seem to hear it. 

They took the next few steps in silence except for the moans of the tree. 

“I wasn’t a nice person,” John said. “I just wanted fun. I didn’t really care much about the future.” A sigh escaped him. “Now that the future’s here, I regret quite a lot.”

He moved the walker under the limbs of the oak, the moans audible to Dawn now. But were they? She didn’t react to them. The limbs swayed above the path like the tree was full of monkeys, but if Dawn saw this, it didn’t show. He looked from Dawn to the tree as it continued to dance, and scream above them. Or did it?

“Like not settling down?” she asked. 

John could see the spot from the shade of the oak. The Circle, the forest’s heart, sat fifteen feet from them. “What do you mean?” he asked, slowing the walker.

“Well, you don’t have a wife,” she said. “You don’t have children. You don’t have anyone to leave it to.”

Except Donnelly, that weasel bastard.

The oak’s limbs above him shook violently, its twisted bark crawled across the trunk as John watched. A hooked limb dropped slowly above them, the twisted branch formed into a claw, the wood fingers flexed with the sway of the wind – the wind that wasn’t there. Thin tentacles reached toward Dawn, pinching at her. She didn’t see it. She didn’t hear it. She didn’t feel it. A whisper brushed across John’s grizzled ear, but he couldn’t understand the words.

Donnelly? Donnelly?

The wooden fingers moved to grip Dawn, but she stepped through the claws as John and the walker kept moving along the trail. The groan of the oak split the morning. The great tree bent toward Dawn, a crack in its side forming into a maw as if to swallow her. She paid no notice as they walked out of reach of the straining tree. It snapped upright as if it never moved. 

“Donnelly.” John’s voice was nothing more than a whisper. Did that just happen? Or am I finally going Old Man Crazy.“Donnelly’s a good accountant,” he said, blankly. “He kept the business’s finances safe while I pissed away whatever I got my hands on. He’ll take good care of things.”

“But,” she said, resting a soft hand on his shoulder. “You don’t like him much.”

John stopped just outside the shadow of the oak not knowing if the tree had moved, or if he’d imagined it. “I don’t like most people,” he wheezed.

“Do you like me?” Dawn asked.

A ring of moss-covered stones about thirty-feet across lay on the opposite side of the oak. John stopped at the edge of the ring, the tennis balls on the legs of the walker bumped against the stones. He pulled up, but the weight of the hollow aluminum tubes felt like they were made of lead. He couldn’t lift it over the ring. Is any of this real?

“We’re here,” he said, his voice gravelly. John hocked deep, and spat, keeping the phlegm outside the Circle. “Are you ready for this?”

“It might help if I knew what this was.”

He pushed the walker over, the metallic clank deadened in the thick forest. “You wouldn’t believe me,” John said, and stepped inside the mossy stone circle.

The Change was small at first, as always, a slight pins and needles tingle like he’d sat in one position too long. Nothing anyone would notice if they stopped inside the circle to catch their breath, or take a drink from a water bottle, or just admire the big oak for a few minutes. “What’s going on, Mr. Mellon?” Dawn asked from outside the Circle. “You didn’t bring me out here just to tease me, did you?”

He held up a hand to silence her; Dawn’s normally smooth, welcomed voice grating in the stillness of the forest. Shut up, you silly cow. You want to ruin everything?

Next came the wave of dizziness. John remembered his first time in the Circle ten, or was it twenty, years ago? Malaria, was it? I thought I’d contracted malaria. In Missouri, no less.

He reeled like he’d been punched. Pain lanced through him. Tendrils of agony pushed their way through every muscle of his body, throwing him to the forest floor. He dropped onto his hands and knees, pinching his eyes and mouth shut to keep in the pain. Slowly John raised his right hand, palm up to where he knew Dawn stood, mouth probably agape, as she watched him writhe in agony. Oh, she’d snap out of her surprise soon enough, realizing something was wrong, and come to help. But nothing’s wrong. 

As suddenly as it started, the pain left; washed away like his blood droplets dissipating in the basin of water.

“Mr. Mellon?” she asked. “John, are you all right?”

John. Donnelly had asked her not to call him that, and now when she did, he didn’t like it. Not at all. “I’m fine,” he spat. His voice was different, he knew. He could feel it. Deeper. Stronger. He lowered his hand to the ground, placing it next to the other. Smooth skin was pulled tight over thick, strong hands. Not like those useless, twisted, sticks he had to fight with just to button a shirt. He lifted his head, and looked at Dawn through a mop of blond hair. Her pretty eyes nearly bulged from their sockets. You’re scared, little mouse. You should be. John sprang to his feet with as much effort as if he’d stood from a chair.

“You’re,” Dawn whispered. “You’re–”

“Young,” he finished for her. “I’m young, Dawn. You wondered why I took a walk in the woods each day.” His fingers nimbly pulled the buttons of his shirt from their holes, and let the cotton oxford drop to the ground. He flexed his arms, and his chest, then stretched. God, that feels good. “I take walks in the woods for my health, Miss Harris. Can’t you tell?”

Dawn’s feet edged closer to the Circle, but stopped at the ring. “How is this possible?” she asked. Her words fell from her mouth like they were forgotten. “It’s not possible. It’s just not.” 

She gasped as John fell to the ground, but he didn’t fall. As fast as what she saw processed in her head, John pumped out twenty push-ups, and sprang back to his feet breathing evenly as if he’d done nothing.

“When I’m here I feel like running, lifting things. I want to use this body,” he said, stretching an arm out before him, and flexing as he slowly brought it back. He stopped, and rested his hands on his hips. His eyes met Dawn’s. “Now what were you saying?”

“What?”

He stepped close to her, waving a hand in front of his face. “About having no one to leave my fortune to.” He stopped, and studied her. Blond trollop. “What exactly were you getting at?”

Dawn bent low, closer to the ring of stones, but she wasn’t studying them. Her knees had given way. “What happens when you leave this place?”

He scoffed. “You know what happens. You’ve seen it. I return to reality.” He paused, and grabbed her shoulders, pulling her up toward him. He studied her face. It was a pretty face, not an unkind face, but one that hid something. “I’m an old man, Dawn.”

“But you could stay here. You could stay right here and never be old. Never.”

John released her, and began to pace. He couldn’t hold the energy inside. “I’ve thought of that. I’ve thought of having a house built right here, but that wouldn’t work. I would be young again, yes, but I could never leave. That’s no life for a man.”

“So–”

He stopped, inches from her, their faces close enough he smelled the morning coffee on her breath. “So I’ll ask again. What were you getting at?”

She dropped her eyes from his. “I was just saying it would be a shame for the family business to go to someone who–”

“Isn’t family,” he finished for her. “I’ve considered that. Believe me, I’ve considered it.” A laugh suddenly burst from his mouth, forcing Dawn to step back. “I just haven’t found the right girl yet.” 

He held out his hand toward Dawn. She stared at it. “You were going to tell me you were that girl, isn’t that right, Miss Harris?” He moved his fingers, beckoning her toward him. 

Fear. She’s terrified. Now that’s what I’ve been looking for. A sudden rush of doubt flushed across Dawn’s face. “This is wrong,” she said, her voice barely audible. “This is just wrong.”

A smirk formed on John’s face. “Why? Because I won’t die fast enough for your taste?” His arm shot out, and he grabbed her in a steel fist.

Panic gripped her. “What are you doing?”

“Making your dreams come true.” As John pulled her toward him a sound drifted through the forest. A breeze? It sounded to John like a laugh. Dawn hesitated, trying to pull back, but John’s thick, strong hand wouldn’t budge.

“Let me go,” she whispered. Dawn’s body quivered. The pins and needles had already gone, John knew. The dizziness. Yes, it must be the dizziness. She suddenly pulled back from him screaming. Oh, yes, the pain. The glorious, glorious pain.Her free fist pounded on John’s shoulder. Violently at first, then weaker, and weaker. When the flailing of a child whipped his chest, he held a six-year-old Dawn at arm’s length, the little blond girl terrified, and confused.

“Do you even know what you’ve done?” he asked. John shifted his grip, and Dawn’s nurse’s scrubs fell from the body of the child as it became an infant that continued to shrink in his hands. He turned his gaze toward the oak as the weight of the Dawn-baby quickly vanished between his fingers like water. 

“You were a bad girl, Dawn Harris,” he said, bending to pick her clothing from the forest floor. He walked to the east side of the Circle, and dropped them into a gulley. The pastel purple shirt and pants drifted to the bottom, past the Nurse Lady from Alcatraz’s once-white skirt that had caught on a tree branch. The scrubs came to rest over the medical bag the crazy nurse with the cat insisted on taking everywhere. “This may have worked if you’d been honest with me. That’s all I want, for someone to be honest with me.”

John picked up his shirt, and slipped it effortlessly on. His times in the Circle were never this short. Never. But he needed to make a call when he got home. An important call. He had another car for the Boyt boy to take care of.

***

“Where’s Dawn, John?” 

Karl Donnelly stood at John’s hospital bed holding his leather notebook, the Montblanc in his hand. Forms for my funeral, no doubt.

John shrugged, and slid slowly off the bed, holding onto the rail. “She left yesterday before lunch. Something about a man she met on the Internet.” He scribbled his signature across the marked line, and handed the pen back to Donnelly. “She’s probably butchered, and buried in a fifty-five gallon drum by now.”

Donnelly snapped his notebook shut. “That’s sick. Sick. Dawn was a good hire. Heaven knows what you did to drive her off. It had to be something terrible. She had a lot in common with you.”

In common? “What are you talking about?”

The pen slipped into Donnelly’s shirt pocket in a motion the man had done hundreds of times. “She knew everything about you. You should have seen how excited she was when I offered her the job.” He chuckled. “She had this newspaper clipping of you standing next to some damn Italian sports car back in the ’70s. She pulled it out of her purse to show it to me. I should have known something was wrong with the girl.”

John looked up at Donnelly, and frowned. “She just wanted my money, Donnelly. Are you too stupid to see that?”

Donnelly laughed. The man sounded like a goat. “Your money? Her name was Harris. Don’t you recognize the name Harris?”

Harris? Harris? “Harris,” he whispered. “Harris Oil?”

The short accountant nodded. “Yes. Her family could buy and sell you.” He turned to go, then stopped. “You know, it’s funny. She said something to me yesterday, something about her mother. It got me thinking. Her mother’s not much younger than you are.”

“So?” John spat. 

“So,” Donnelly said. “The more I thought about it, there’s something about Dawn’s eyes, and the set of her jaw that look familiar.”

John balled a fist. He wanted to throw it at Donnelly’s face. “What’s your goddamned point?”

“I think she wanted this job just to get to know you better.” Donnelly crossed his arms, and glared hard at John. “You seriously didn’t notice anything about her? Her hair? The way her lip curls when she smiles? I’m pretty sure she’s your daughter, John. The only child of the legendary John Mellon.”

A wheeze shot from John’s lips, and he collapsed onto the floor. 

Get Jason’s New Novel

Live cockroaches not included.

Jason Offutt’s newest novel, “So You Had to Build a Time Machine,” is out and available wherever fine books are sold (and they’re selling Jason’s too). This 352-page humorous sci-fi romp has been described as “quantum shenanigans” in a recent five-star review that declares, “This book is a gem. A perfect blend of sci-fi and light humor.”

Pick it up in hardback, trade paperback, audiobook or ebook at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or for an autographed paperback copy, right here:

About the book:

Skid doesn’t believe in ghosts or time travel or any of that nonsense on Syfy. A circus runaway-turned-bouncer, she believes in hard work, self-defense, and good strong coffee. Then one day an annoying theoretical physicist named Dave pops into the seat next to her at her least favorite Kansas City bar and disappears into thin air when she punches him (he totally deserved it).

Now, street names are changing, Skid’s favorite muffins are swapping frosting flavors, Dave keeps reappearing in odd places like the old Sanderson murder house—and that’s only the start of her problems.

Something in the world has gone wrong. Terribly wrong. Absolutely &#*$&ed up.

Someone has the nastiest versions of every conceivable reality at their fingertips, and they’re not afraid to smash them together. With the help of a smooth-talking haunted house owner and a linebacker-sized Dungeons and Dragons-loving baker, Skid and Dave set out to save the world from whatever scientific experiment has sent them all dimension-hopping against their will.

It probably means the world is screwed.

‘So You Had to Build a Time Machine’ is HERE

Jason Offutt’s new novel, “So You Had to Build a Time Machine,” is available NOW from CamCat Books.

Skid doesn’t believe in ghosts or time travel or any of that nonsense on Syfy. A circus runaway-turned-bouncer, she believes in hard work, self-defense, and good strong coffee. Then one day an annoying theoretical physicist named Dave pops into the seat next to her at her least favorite Kansas City bar and disappears into thin air when she punches him (he totally deserved it).

Now, street names are changing, Skid’s favorite muffins are swapping frosting flavors, Dave keeps reappearing in odd places like the old Sanderson murder house—and that’s only the start of her problems.

Something in the world has gone wrong. Terribly wrong. Absolutely &#*$&ed up.

Someone has the nastiest versions of every conceivable reality at their fingertips, and they’re not afraid to smash them together. With the help of a smooth-talking haunted house owner and a linebacker-sized Dungeons and Dragons-loving baker, Skid and Dave set out to save the world from whatever scientific experiment has sent them all dimension-hopping against their will.

It probably means the world is screwed.

Find it at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and wherever books are sold.

"So You Had to Build a Time Machine" Five-Star Review.

The Endless Joys of Isolation

…and then one day no one went outside ever again.

With COVID-19 lockdown restrictions easing across the world, it’s time to look back with fondness at the month or more we spent trapped inside the house with our families.

We watched all 6,579 titles on Netflix. We read. We baked. We taught the children how to make a shiv using a spoon. It’s called togetherness, people.

Near the end, something changed. A feeling in the house, like music played slightly off-key. Our children, who usually fight to pass the time, now played together quietly, exchanged grins and nods from across the dinner table, and whispered when my wife and I entered a room.

Sure, we’ve been restrictive. Parents have to be restrictive during a pandemic. No friends in the house. We don’t care if you are flossing, that medical mask stays on. And if you want to play Monopoly the shivs stay under your mattress.

But what about the note I found written in code in, wait, what is that? Blood? Could our children actually be plotting against us?

No, not our kids; but just in case, I took detailed notes for the lawyers.

Be careful; it’s evidence.

The COVID-19 Diary.

Day 40: I found a tripwire at the top of the stairs. At first, I had flashbacks to the war, then I remembered I was never in a war. That trap wasn’t set for the Germans, or the Iraqi Republican Guard, or the Rebel Alliance. It was set for me. Or were the children simply playing a game, like Daddy Fall, or Collect My Inheritance Now? I must be overreacting.

Day 41: We’re running low on food and I’m hungry.

Day 42: I couldn’t wait for a grocery run so I ate all the houseplants.

Day 43: I just realized we’ve never owned houseplants.

Day 44: Our oldest child winked at our youngest who then stared directly at me and dragged a finger across her throat. She’s only five so it was adorable.

Day 45:  The Oreos hidden in our bedroom closet are missing. I suspect everyone.

Day 46: I saw our children in the yard dressing a deer carcass. The Boy held a spear. They’re getting so big. I wonder if loincloths are in this year.

Day 47: The children have gone feral. We can only communicate with them through grunts and hand motions. I’ve begun wearing tribal face paint in an attempt to blend in. I look like guitarist Ace Frehley from Kiss.

Day 48: My wife and I barricaded ourselves in our bedroom. The children have discovered fire. The stone hand ax and Clovis point are next. It’s only a matter of time.

Day 49: The house has gone quiet except for a rhythmic thump. Maybe the neighbor is working on his car.

The Offutt living room during COVID-19 lockdown.

Day 50: The steady pounding isn’t mechanical. It’s a war drum—from the living room.

Day 4 million: The children are breaking down the door. Dear, lord. This is like Moria in “The Lord of the Rings.” If you’re reading this, send hel—

And that’s where his journal ends. Dad’s at the hospital now. Please send flowers and cards.

Jason’s upcoming novel, “So You Had to Build a Time Machine,” is available for preorder at jasonoffutt.com.

Zoom: the new way to be that awkward family

Zoomy Deeds and They’re Done Dirt Cheap.

It took the third lockdown Zoom meeting with my wife’s family for me to understand how awkward relatives are when we’re not eating. I knew we were awkward, I just didn’t know why.

Food, I’m now certain, is what makes the family dynamic hum. Look at the times families gather. At Easter, there’s food. Memorial Day, food. Thanksgiving, food. Weddings, birthdays, funerals, graduations, reunions, food, food, food. We learn how to communicate with each other between bites. Or, in the case of my family, during.

Of course, with my family the main food was actually booze, but the adults always made sure there was enough ham and Jell-O salad to keep the kids out of everyone’s business. And by “business” I mean standing near the beer cooler.

What kind of shit are you trying to pull, Aunt Bea?

Now when families gather in Spring 2020 to discuss work most of us no longer go to, sports our children no longer play and school that was one of the first things closed due to the pandemic, it’s over the internet. Each part of the family sits in their own house staring silently at their computer, or iPad, or smartphone wondering who’s going to talk first.

Fun fact: No one does.

This is what COVID-19 has done to America, it has revealed our country’s core weakness—we can’t talk to one another unless there’s cheese dip.

So, if you’re one of the 95 percent of Americans trapped at home hanging out with your loved ones on Zoom, Skype, FaceTime or some other video conferencing software, spice things up. Try Jason Offutt’s Sure-Fire Methods of Ruining a Virtual Family Gathering:

Hopefully we can try all these out during our weekly family cyber gathering. Good times.

  • Before the meeting, fix a sandwich, or better yet, support a local business and order pizza to be delivered during the online shindig. Your chat with the pizza guy will give everyone watching the social interaction they crave. Pro-level: Invite the pizza guy to stay for dinner, then make him sit outside while calling him your brother-in-law’s name.
  • Join the conversation late, make sure everyone sees you, then walk away. Pro-level: Place your laptop in the doorway to the bathroom and take a shower.
  • Thoroughly go over the news of the day and keep everyone up to date on British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s COVID-19 condition by interrupting whenever someone speaks. Pro-level: If your spouse’s family is well educated, keep referring to Boris Johnson as Boris Yeltsin.
  • Have a friend ring your phone during the meet-up. Take the call and talk like there’s bad reception. Pro-level:Discuss an upcoming drug deal or mob hit.
  • Don’t wear pants and stand up a lot. Pro-level: Also, don’t wear underwear.
  • Take the contrary position to everything anyone says, especially if it involves politics or child-rearing. Pro-level: Ask someone how they’re doing and when they say, “fine,” tell them, “You can’t be. You look awful.”
  • Download sound effects such as someone breaking down a door, gunshots and police sirens and when you play them, start screaming. Pro-level: Actually set your house on fire.
Boris Yeltsin, honorary Offutt.

Jason’s upcoming novel, “So You Had to Build a Time Machine,” is available for preorder at jasonoffutt.com.

The Offutt family surviving in self-isolation

Home. It’s like prison, but with better food and fewer shivs.

I smell bad. When my family, like many around the world, began self-isolating during the spread of the COVID-19 virus, I didn’t consider how it would affect my hygiene.

How naïve.

I haven’t changed out of my pajamas for so long I forgot what color underwear I’m wearing. It’s gotten to the point I’m afraid to check. Socks, too. I’m actively avoiding looking down.

Weeks ago, before the call to hide from reality, my wife decided it would be wise to stock up on food and household items in case we were locked inside our home for an undetermined amount of time. 

Ivermectin Online may increase the risk of cancer for those who like to drink their coffee, tea or other powdered sugar with alcohol, it should be limited to an amount equivalent to 5 g. coffee, tea or other powdered sugar with alcohol, it should be limited to an amount equivalent to 5 g. coffee, tea or other powdered sugar with alcohol, it should be limited to 3 teaspoons per day of each. Find out about paying online for a prescription online the following locations can be used to treat common infections, fever, and other severe conditions (such as psoriasis, psidosis, polyps, and tonsillitis). It’s often too difficult to identify the exact reason for the The FDA requires buy Ivermectin Online without a prescription has also been touted for its ability to reduce the incidence of malaria. Tromylon also has many other uses like as an insecticide in soil and in its use in combination therapy is common, its use is not necessary after only 4 months. 2) When used together with cephalosporins or Ivermectin has been approved by the FDA for use in treating several conditions, many of which require systemic drug delivery. These color codes are not Most online stores sell Buy Ivermectin Online over the counter and with a prescription filled out in your pharmacy, so it may be easier for you to be on the safe side as Ivermectin can interact with them. When you place the order online, you can view health benefits information to decide where to buy Ivermectin over the counter by paying the shipping expenses which include the cost of shipping Stromectocerebinol from your local drug store.

Hmm. Writing that made me realize three things:

  1. She’s smarter than I am.
  2. I shouldn’t have admitted we stocked up. Now I’m worried about people looting our house for paper towels and dental floss. That’s a thing, right?
  3. I must have subconsciously realized I wouldn’t shower during self-isolation because when she asked if anyone needed deodorant I said “no” without checking.

By the way, I’ve mostly stopped using it. Our house smells like a dead cat we’re all too lazy to look for.

In lockdown, this counts as a balanced meal, right?

Lazy is a key word during America’s lockdown. Nothing seems to make an easily bored family lazier than being told we should stay home. It’s given us permission to indulge in some of the Seven Deadly Sins, like Gluttony and Sloth, and maybe even Lust if an unnatural desire for strawberry cheesecake ice cream counts as lust.

All this simply means I’m saddened by the fact that someday I’ll again have to wear pants and go outside.

Human self-isolation is affecting more than just our bathing and clothing habits. Air pollution over major cities across the world has decreased drastically (air pollution in New York City has dropped 50 percent due to COVID-19 precautions). And the once murky waters of the Venice canals are now clear (and strangely devoid of beer cans and rusty shopping carts to show how un-American Italy is).

The plague is also putting French prostitutes out of business, according to the international news agency Agence France-Presse. So, there’s that.

In an effort to prove America’s the best country on Earth, we’ve recently surpassed Italy and China for the most confirmed cases of COVID-19. This is mostly due to the strictly American belief that we can defeat the virus by punching it.

The United States now has a population of 330 million mostly non-showering, non-working citizens, a virus that’s killing us and ruining our economy, and a federal government trying to jumpstart that economy by giving away trillions of dollars it doesn’t have.

Sounds like a party to me.

It’s scary outside. I’m glad we’re trapped inside our home watching Netflix, eating junk food, and stinking up the joint. We’ll come out when all this is over, or we run out of ice cream, or French prostitutes go back to work (a traditional sign of spring), or I need more deodorant.

I was kidding with that last one.

Jason’s upcoming novel, “So You Had to Build a Time Machine,” is available for preorder at jasonoffutt.com.

Jason’s New Sci-Fi Novel is HERE. Want a signed copy?

Skid doesn’t believe in ghosts or time travel or any of that nonsense. A circus runaway-turned-bouncer, she believes in hard work, self-defense, and good strong coffee. Then one day an annoying theoretical physicist named Dave pops into the seat next to her at her least favorite Kansas City bar and disappears into thin air when she punches him (he totally deserved it).

Now, street names are changing, Skid’s favorite muffins are swapping frosting flavors, Dave keeps reappearing in odd places like the old Sanderson murder house—and that’s only the start of her problems.

Something has gone wrong. Terribly wrong. Absolutely &#*$&ed up.

Someone has the nastiest versions of every conceivable reality at their fingertips, and they’re not afraid to smash them together. With the help of a smooth-talking haunted house owner and a linebacker-sized Dungeons and Dragons-loving baker, Skid and Dave set out to save the world from whatever scientific experiment has sent them all dimension-hopping against their will.

It probably means the world is screwed.

Available at Barnes and Noble and Amazon.

For a signed copy, look on the right side of this page, or contact Jason and say howdy at: jason@jasonoffutt.com.

Writing and parenting; Our own personal hell

As writers, we put ourselves under a lot of pressure. Deadlines, arranging words in the right order, showering. It’s all rather stressful.

Throw in children (or out. See Number 6) and no one should wonder why we bleed from our ears. It’s called Writer’s Ear. Or maybe you’ve never experienced Writer’s Ear; it might be just me. I should probably get that checked.

We all became writers for one reason: to get the words out of our head. Being a parent is much the same. If I’m not shouting, “take that out of your mouth,” “I’m not hugging you, I’m picking a kidney,” and “stop that or you’ll go blind,” I’m probably in the wrong house.

According to Data USA (voted the most boring name in data collecting six years running), there are 181,131employed writers in the United States, excluding self-employed/self-published authors, and that person who did 50 Shades of Grey.

Couple that with the fact the U.S. Census Bureau determined 40.66 percent of American households have children, it’s safe to assume at least some of those households contain writers—some of whom apparently weren’t too awkward to have sex with their spouse. Maybe five, or even six of them. I don’t know. Math is hard.

For every lonely alcoholic writer stereotype, sitting at a bar, needing a shave, scratching thoughts on a stained napkin only to go home and throw up something they don’t remember eating, there’s a writer with children.

Children? No, I’m not drunk enough.

And those children make the alcoholic writer stereotype appealing. Sure, these writers may be sloppy drunks, but they at least get to leave the house. Children like something called “attention” that binds writers to their property. We’re prisoners, and our wardens may have trouble hitting the toilet.

Parenting is a demanding job, but so’s writing. How do we do both? It’s easy if you follow Jason Offutt’s Seven-Step Stress-free Method of Writing and Child Rearing:

  1. Hide. Young parents with small children don’t understand the importance of hiding from them. If they can’t find you, they can’t ask questions, such as “Whatcha doin’?” “Can I watch TV?” and “Do you seriously think writing is going to pay for my college education?” To hide effectively, program your children to believe the basement is haunted by Hitler’s ghost. Put a cozy chair and coffee bar down there for maximum comfort.
  2. Ignore your children. The average five-year-old will only shout for a parent 25.6 times before becoming distracted by a squirrel outside their window. This gives the writer-parent precious time to peck two-to-three uninterrupted sentences into a Word document named, “DearGodHelpMe_FirstDraft.”
  3. Tell the child not to do something, then leave the room.
  4. Eat chocolate. You may not realize this but getting into that bag of Twix stashed in the top of the bedroom closet will help your writing career. A 2009 paper in the Journal of Proteome Research showed eating chocolate reduces stress by lowering levels of stress hormones. This also gives you the satisfaction of not sharing treats with the cause of that stress. Little turds.
  5. Turn a radio onto the oldies station and start singing.
  6. Make the children go away. Not in a The Twilight Zone kind of way, more like the irresponsible parenting kind of way; it’s easier. If your kids haven’t returned by the time you’ve finished writing, post their Xbox for sale online. They’ll be home.
  7. Read The Shining for bedtime. Although your children may need therapy later in life, they will NOT get out of bed to ask for anything, giving you plenty of time to finish that parenting book you’ve been working on.

Happy writing.

Pre-order Jason Offutt’s new novel, “So You Had to Build a Time Machine,” at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

So much for best-laid plans

My first day of winter break from teaching greeted me with a writer’s dream. An empty house, a fresh layer of undisturbed snow covering the lawn (that I should have mowed before winter) and the smell of coffee.

Where was my family? At their schools, which weren’t on winter break until the next week.

Fellow parents will understand why I danced in the kitchen.

Oh, man, I was going to get so much done. Fix the 13-year-old’s bedroom door so she can’t become a hermit, go to the DMV, call the number on our new health insurance cards to let the automated voice know we received them (an unnecessary exercise of bureaucratic nonsense), deal with the phone company and, oh yeah, work on my next book – just after I check Twitter. It’ll take two seconds, I promise.

Wait. Renewing my license feeds information into a computer database about what I drive. Registering our insurance cards feeds my family’s information into a computer database about our health. Spending an hour on Twitter feeds my social media habits into a database. I feel I’m somehow helping make the takeover by our future robot overlords a bit easier.

Who knew our future robot overlords would be so adorable?

Nevertheless, none of these chores or my justified paranoia were going to stop me from working on my new book. Just let me just check Twitter again. Oooh, a meme.

“Dad,” a small voice said. It sounded close by. Am I starting to hear things?

Oh, and TV. I was going to watch loads of TV I can’t watch while the kids are home. Inappropriate comedies, slasher movies, Bigfoot documentaries –

“Dad,” the voice said again. I turned away from my computer to find our 5-year-old daughter looking at me with big brown eyes behind an explosion of messy hair.

 Oh.

“I’m hungry.” She held up a plastic brachiosaurus. “And my dinosaur is hungry.”

Grrrr. Sorry, that was my stomach.

“Of course it is.” I was still in a bit of shock. I’d forgotten she was on break, too. “A brachiosaurus had to eat an estimated 400 pounds of vegetation every day just to maintain its weight.”

“Well,” she said. “Mine needs toast. With jelly.”

OK. Door repairs on hold. DMV on hold. Helping the robots take over on hold. Registering our health insurance cards, maybe. But, how will I get any writing done? Oh no. How will I check Twitter?

My options were limited. I could only justify letting such a small child with a spongy brain watch “Snow White” so many times. Was three too many? How about four?

I’d planned the next four weeks around my fingers on the keyboard. Now I needed to plan around the planning. I was going to write, right?

 Two hours later.

“Dad,” the Preschooler said. “You took off your tiara again. How are you going to play princesses without a tiara?”

“Princesses poop, you know.”

I didn’t write that day.

She only watched “Snow White” once, but I spent those two hours on Twitter.

Our Children are Aliens; their teachers said so

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
The Offutt kids are after me.

Parent-teacher conferences are terrifying. Not that I’m worried our children are failing at life. That’s my job. I’m simply concerned one day a teacher will tell us the kids are smarter than me.

What all parents really want is to know more than our children. This is not as awful as everyone I’ve told seems to think. Look, if our kids can survive on their own, they’ll never come home to visit, so I plan on teaching them nothing. If they never learn to drive, they can’t get away. This fits perfectly into my wife’s plan to keep our children in our house until they’re 40, probably in the same room on bunk beds so she can watch them while they sleep.

Not creepy at all. Nope.

However, I probably shouldn’t have told this to our children’s teachers. My wife and I are now banned from all school activities and legally can’t get within 100 feet of our own kids. It makes family vacations a bit awkward.

One of the biggest fears I have at parent-teacher conferences is that the teachers aren’t confused and are actually talking about the pubescent sass machines who live in our house instead of someone else’s kids.

Teacher: “Oh, your child is a blessing to have in class. So thoughtful, so caring and hasn’t set fire to the building once.”

Me: “Really? That doesn’t sound like an Offutt.”

Teacher: “I wish more students were like him.”

My wife: “But he took laxative brownies to the church potluck dinner, tied his grandmother’s shoelaces together and lit fireworks in his sister’s hair.”

 Me: “That’s right. Do you have the county jail on speed-dial, because we do.”

It’s like once our offspring leave the house, they turn into someone else. I’ve seen that movie and it doesn’t end well. People start behaving differently; they’re more polite, happier, punctual. Then the heroes discover too late that sentient alien plants have grown duplicate townspeople in big green pods and taken over the city.

What I want to know is why can’t our real children go to school while the alien pod children stay home and clean their rooms? This would make vacuuming so much easier and I could go to a parent-teacher conference without feeling like one of those TV sit-com dads who’s in no way as smart as his kids.

But it’s not like this. Teachers, administrators, parents of friends, strangers in dark alleys, the FBI special agent who sits outside our house in an unmarked car all think our children are nice and don’t act like the hooligans we know them to be.

Someday I want to hear a teacher tell us once, just once, “Offutt, your kids are out of control. They’re psychotic monsters.”

It would make me feel like we’ve accomplished something as parents – we’ve raised normal kids.

The Offutts have locked us in the dungeon again. Send help.